My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
