The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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