The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
