He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize