Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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