what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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