i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
