Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize