My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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