god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
