'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
