I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
