if i died would you start the facebook group?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
