Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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