If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize