Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
