he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
