i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just had sex on a roof
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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