oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize