What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
