you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just gift wrapped bread.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
