I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
last night I used snow as a chaser
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
