Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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