sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
