If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
FUCK WHALES
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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