IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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