opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
