I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
