It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
