In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
