He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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