A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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