dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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