I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
