We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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