omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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