don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Vodka?
Forever.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
