Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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