this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
