when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
