I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
