I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You pole danced in your parka.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
