also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
