She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
