There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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