ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
