She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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