You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
