I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
