Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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