Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
