My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
