Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
