I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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