Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
