I met the friendliest cop last night
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
