my phone needs a breathalizer
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
