I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
